I’ve felt a love so great that birthed me, killed me, and then resurrected me.
She was the first girl I ever fell in love with. But this love was different. Within the third time of being in her presence, I knew I loved her so deeply as if my body knew more than my mind did.
“It was an ancient truth. It felt like I had loved her multiple lifetimes.”
To my logical understanding it didn’t make sense, how can I love someone I barely know. It took some courage to say but I told her, “I feel like I met you in another lifetime.” She felt the exact same way.
Our connection was so intense it bursted inside of me like tiny, big explosions. The sexual electricity was there since the first time we layed eyes on each other. This was abnormal for me because for me to feel sexually attracted to someone takes some time. But with her it was as undeniable as the love I felt for her.
She was so much like me. We would say we were each other’s twins. Because of this it felt like a part of me had been seen that no one else had ever seen. With each other we were our most authentic, raw, wild selves. It was the most liberated I had ever felt. Around the time we had met, I had to make some big life decisions of either going to college how everyone wanted me to or living a life of uncertainty but of following my heart’s desires. I chose to follow my heart. I am grateful for her because she urged me to follow it, always. With the combination of following my heart and all the healing that took place while her and I were together, I was rebirthed.
My gut had been telling me for a while that she and I needed to separate for some time. I didn’t listen, so God took matters into Her own hands. And one day it was just over. For about a month and a half, we didn’t speak or see each other until one day she called me. This is where the toxic back-and-forth of the exes started. This is where I was killed, stabbed, and ripped into pieces not by her necessarily, although she did hurt me, but also by me because I wouldn’t let her go like how I was supposed to. Because I kept letting her back into my life it was confusing to my heart. My heart would grieve her but when I let her back in, it would feel her love and then be taken away over and over again. Just ripping my heart once again. It was torture and chaos. This was the worst pain I had ever felt in my whole life. I even had a dream where it felt like my chest was tightening and my heart was going to implode because it was so hard to let her go.
Eventually, after I finally learned my lesson, I let her go completely. I blocked all access from her to me, from me to her. I built the boundary necessary to protect myself and to live the new life I felt called to live. After betraying myself so many times, I resurrected myself. I am going to therapy to get the help I need to heal. I am learning to feel and validate my feelings on my own. I’m finally giving myself to be independent. I’m learning to be intimate with myself, God, and my friends. I’m learning how to care for myself. I’m learning how to be disciplined and to feel capable on my own. I’m learning to shine my light on my own and not have someone open the curtain for me. And I’m finally letting myself grieve, not just her but the ones before her that I never let myself grieve.
An ode to love and pain:
As I tilt my head up
To gaze at the night sky
I start to miss you
Remember the times
We got lost in space
Altogether and together
My love for you
And the pain I feel
Weave together like the carnelian light of the sun
With the dark sapphire of the night
Crossing over like strands of hair
Creating the most beautiful
Entanglement of love and pain
This braid shines its brightest at night
Because the moon like to untangle
The broken-hearted mess of the day
So when I breath in the dusky night air
Tears fall intensely and endlessly
As if a damn was created by
The busy day time activities, which
Abstract the flow of my sorrows
But my grief resurfaces
As I get lost in the stars
Falling in love over and over again
Feeling the pain once again
But the tenderness it creates
Reminds me you did exist
Once upon a time
It feels like you were in my life as long
As a shooting star travels through the sky
I wish you would come back, I cry
As your light leaves the celestial sphere
I get lost trying to surf the comets
In hopes of witnessing you again
But as the night progresses
A soft blanket is placed
Over my sleepy face
And the first light I see
Is the sun’s
… not yours.
Storyteller Kayla Diaz is an aspiring farmer and intimacy guide from the Bay Area. She is an artist, poet, and student of the Universe.