I remember from a very young age in the midst of much chaos and confusion in the family, a physical and emotional pain. Ask me why: To what end? Why me? How can I end this pain and confusion?
My mother was always a housewife, except for a few months when she went to work for a manufacturing company in Los Angeles. I remember the long hours of work; I remember because while we were asleep, warm from the blankets on our beds, and even in the dark, my parents would put us in their cold car and drop us off at Señora Ester’s house. I loved going to Señora Ester’s house because she had a little dog and a little stick at home and I have always liked animals. I even remember once faking a stomach ache to avoid going to school so that I could go to Señora Ester’s house, who took care of my sister and me. That is why it has always been very confusing to understand what was going on at Señora Ester’s house. I know it was only a few months that my mother worked while Señora Ester took care of us, but it was enough to influence how I relate to myself and others.
My memories are very blurred or maybe it is a defense mechanism to not remember what happened there. I only know that Señora Ester’s teenage daughters played with us and two other girls that Señora Ester took care of. But something was not right; the games were played in the darkness of a closet or in the bathroom. I never said anything, no one ever said anything. I was very confused about my sexuality, my gender, and I never said anything, until today.
“…I have found my courage and my way to make sense of what has happened to me and the courage to speak up and break this sea of violence for a better life.”
Years later, as I have entered the workforce, experiences of sexual harassment have only brought back feelings of shame, fear, confusion and low self-esteem. And today, with farmworker leaders I have found my courage and my way to make sense of what has happened to me and the courage to speak up and break this sea of violence for a better life. Little by little I find my purpose and recognize the qualities of my spirit.
Storyteller Suguet López was born in Los Angeles, Ca, and grew up in León, Guanajuato, Mexico. She is the mother of two beautiful children, wife, sister, friend, and director of Lideres Campesinas.
